Wednesday, February 28, 2007; shit happnes?
GOD MAN!!
u dun fucking tell me u have shit..people do have shit sial..
i do have my shits too..
fuck lah u..
i noe i use to love u but not animore..
uve changed soo much..
im sad a man i use to love is snffing glue just because he has super big shits..n tinks tat its cool wen he gets high?
hello??
wake up dude..
ure looks n smile all the same but the att n beh??
ure the shitter..
u hit at ure own self..
shit u man...
im not ure mum im not ure gf..
i have no authority to stop u from watever fucking shit u wanna do!
so just do watver shit u wanna shit on..
dun tell me this..dun tell me tat..
plese i dun wanan hear...
get it?mr. i tink im cool...
nurul=)
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
10:48 PM
Sunday, February 25, 2007; damm sial!!
fuck lah..u told u i got the interview..dad was hapie fr me..n u had to spoil my mood by saying im not serious for it.. n tat i dun usualy concentrate on my studies..i wud rather focis on my love life?
sial ah..ten watever for i study so hard to achive an a ion my result?u dun tink i dun have the heart to go far?huh?
im jeles my kuzins are clever n are in uni n poly!while im stcuk in this fucking ite!!
i tink im not ashame..?
i noe u have always been ashame cause tis daughter of ures is a failure!!
tats y u always sae to adek
"blaja rajen2 kalo nakn pegi jauh!!"
u tink im not upset?
i got a dream too..
to be succesfull..
well to bad i took the longer route..
so wat?
i still get to be a nurse!!!
nvr mind an enrolled nurse witha cert only..
no diploma..
i dun care abot thos bloody fucking dips...
i wan to go to u like my kzuin..
u sae i spent time watching tv n toking on the phone with faris..
ten u tink at home i shake leg..
u onie sae the tings u see in front of u ..
u sae i dun study..
cause u nvr see me study at home before..
ten have u seen me at school?
where my breaks are focused on studies?
i stayed bek after skoll just to study n ask teachers bot th topics..
im slow in class..but i try damm hard..
2 yrs to get an A..its worth it..
im proud of my self..
all i asked was fr a bllody 25 dollars to pay my scholl stufss..
n u said i owaes ask money..
if i got the fucking money i wun ask from u..
u sae belom bergaji dah sombong..wat more wen i get money..lagik sombong taik..
im not tat cruel..
i nvr ask u money..evn wen i go out i rty to save my own..i dun ask u for visa cardsw or credit crads..
all i ask is 10 dolars wen i wan to go out!!
n tat can only support me buying food n sweets,.,..
u tink i like?asking u money..if i had the money i wuen be asking from u..
cause i noe its hard for our fam..
we're abit tit now..
i want to contribute..i want!!!!
i just dun have the money!!!!!!
i just wish i cud be like kak ella hakim or abng didi..be it hamka or eva who gets good results for exams..even kak ella does nt owaes get excellent results..shes in the u...
wat am i?
only a fucking ite cert holder!!!
nurul=(
damm tis fucking werl!!fuck my life!!!
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
9:34 PM
Saturday, February 24, 2007; somtimes..
sometimes i just wonder wats the meaning behind the real I LOVE U..ive been saying it to baby..i mean it ..or dun i?i do love him..hes brot joy n laughters to my life..but sumtimes wen we quarell the werd i love u seem to disappear..=(y?i dun nnoe..the love is conroledd n ivaded by hatred..gosh!! im so selfish n iritating..im just soo foolish..i wud want his attention at the wrng time n tat will make him pissed of..n tat'll piss me off too..so much so we;ll quarell like normal ..arguing n shouting at each other has been our daily routine i guess for the 1 yr n 4 mths with him..somtimes he wishes tat i wud just be as loving as an angel..i do wish too sumtimes i dun get to worked put or jeles over stupid stuffs..i guess im controlling his life..alot..soory abby..mind was controlled too much before hand,...i noe i may seem selfish cause im making him pay for wat ive went through..im just super cautious now..i dunnoe y..im scared of it too..its getting onto baby's nerves..his being super patience with me..thanks alot..i do love u..tanks for loving me..i realy need to search high n low wats true love n unconditionally love is..turely..i feel like ive not loved him enuf..i terribly sorry..shine on me god..shine n shine shine on me..i pray for ure enlightentment...nurul=)
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
11:17 PM
Friday, February 23, 2007; yahoo
u guys noe wat..im super hapie..no more sats...!! finally end of the week cant wait to finish up my atchment..hahah..can huray2.. so hapie..
waiting for the rit time to love n be loved again..
i miss him..=)
so bored at home..
do housewerk ten okie..
haiz..wen ure bored..tis is wat u have to do..learn from me okie?=)
pose!!n take stupid pics of ureself!!hahaha...
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
6:55 PM
Tuesday, February 20, 2007; mondae n tuesdae..
MONDAY
went out dating with baby..went to watch epic movie..initially wanted to watch the matrimony but no have..so we went to ps to watch epic movie..seriusly stupid lah the movie but damm funnie oso lah..hahaha..its benn ages since we watch movies together..
baby wanted to met his frnds at city hal..i got fed-up..so i sulk all the wae..he got angry..i nvr talked at al..just kept quite..mls like tat..
then we quarelled..like hell..i cry he cry..we both shed tears..ten he just lie there at the side..closing his eyes..not resp[onding to any of my cries..got so sked n angry..i cried n cried to wake him up..i shouted"u kalo tak bangun i jln"ten he open up his eyes..he said" u jalan..i tak halang u.."got we debated like hell..he push me away asking me to go..n leave him alone..i cry n cry n begged him like mad..
he stod up..took out our ring n gave it to me.."u kalo tak nak jln biar i yang jln..u jage diri'
he wanted to leave me alone in the nit..he wanted to break up!!fuck sia i tell u..i begged him like i nvr begged anione before bot evn to my mum who is more superior then him..i just hugged him titly nvr let go...
god tat was skery...
but now hapie laio!!stating a fresh n be a good gf..hopefully!!*cross fingers*=)
baby n me..=)
tuesday
went out early in the morning to arb street wit my two aunts..they bot so much kain..hahaha..they bot so manie linens..make tis n tat..one ting about my famm we love lnen material..it runs in the genes people..hahaha..tne went to mother's shop..bot songekt..white fr frst dae raye(i noe too early..puase belom)hahaha..ten purple same as baby..buying baby kain to make baju kurong to..tis year raye with abby is lit purple..so cute i noe..hahah..
went on to town to buy my prom dress..
walau..so the okie lah..soo manie dresses to choose from but super mahal..sianz man,..hahaha..finally went o robinsons..n saw one..a blek one..so simple but i love it..yipe!!!! but now wat shoes eh?haiyo..another headache..=)hahah
tats the dress..bek view secrett..cannt reveal to much..=)
nurul=)
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
7:08 PM
Monday, February 19, 2007; =( & =)
the best daes..n the not so good daes...
ahahahaha...
saturdae?was dreadful..werked the last sat!!yeah hoo..finnally finish paying up liao..so hapie..wen to mok home after tat..as usual..she nags n complains..all we had to do was just kept quite n listen..old people are like tat...been werking with elderly so i very much noe their behaviour..=)dun argue..just listen n knot ure head..they'll be hapie..more than hapie..
at nit quarelled with baby as usual..haiz..canoot tahan with my attitude he sae..ok dun blame him..i noe..=(sunday went to WILD WILD WET!! hell yeah it was damm bloody fun lor..
after so long with allmy small devils..n big ones oso(ehem)...we swm n tat n this n tat..it was so exciting..had a very enjoyable trip..i took the ularlah...my heart palpitate like mad!! wanna come out liao..hell no..but FUN NAK MAMPOS!!
the ULAR-LAH.
TEN WENT ON TO Play in the slow river..yehsa..alot on hansem lifeguards..hahahaha..ten saw golden monkey..his so incredibly super hot n cute..but abit skinny ah..im too phat for him..hahahha...ten kak was super atrekted to tis dimple guy..erm...wats his name eh..ah2..my idzhan i guess..tat the spelling...ite bukit batok gradute..20 yrs old..for once she tells me shes hapie cause the guys nvr ask fr my name frst..hahaha..hello kuzin dear..im not hot at all yesterdae..u were hotter k?hahaha...super fun.. loved the fun soo much..cik ana baked the most OISHI cheese cupcakes!!im so gona have them on my wedding dae..remember k cik ana..went to swensens after tat..met hakim big at the airport..eat liek crazy..enjoyable time there too..hahahaha..the ice cream n calamari(i dunnoe hw to spell lor)super nice lor..hahahha...went to watch airplanes..dada n kak was toking abot going to aus tis year..fr hols..OMG! they ask me along n OMG! WHERE TO GET THE MONEY MAN?wen i steal the bank i go k?hahahaha..=)
i want to be an air stewardess..tat is if they can asep big bump2 of mind...hahahaha...
all of us..the hapie BIG N SMALL "devils"..
crazy kuzin n maself=)
my two fav auntiess of all time..=)
peek-a-boo
not in the rit state if mind..hahaha..
A= aiez..tats baby's name..=)
tHe SweNseNs TRiP..=)
dear dada,
tanks for toking to me abut tat ting..i apreciate it alot..i noe u care alot bot me..im so blessed to have a second mum like u..=)ure my sunshine k?i will follow ure advice..tis is my promise to u k?be cool n keep on rawking dear aunty..
u rawk my werk..i love u alot...muax...=)
nurul=)
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
11:27 PM
Thursday, February 15, 2007; oh my love..=)
sobx..='(sumone called..not the him i expected..the other him..the 4 yrs long him..tat him..he misses me..haiz...nurul=(
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
6:36 PM
Monday, February 12, 2007; fUck LasT postINg LaH..
FUCK MAN..i simply didnt start my dae of well lor..miss gan is bek after going away..got bek pur logbooks..n yeah fuck shit sia..i got downgraded..
not a bit..but a whole looooooottt more..i was like..sial ah..my heart drooped like mad..
i was in the mood to start my shift..ten tis had to happen..simply not my cup of tea at all..hell no!!!='(
n i got 9 TWOS..6 ONES..1 FOUR..AND 1 THRE..how pathetic is tat?ok i agree on some..i did wrong oso..
but hello!!!!1?
tat is sooo the ARGHHH!!!
IM SO DISCOURAGED..my heart for nursing changed so much after the posting at that ward..tat wretched ward..argh!!!my dear frnds who are same as me in the same ward..u shudbe hapie with ure grades..im hapiie for u guys..
im not happie with mind at al..
but i cant fit bek cause i dun wanna be defient n not accept it..later ill be marked down again n again..till i failll!!!
argh!!!!
now i shall write wat was put insede my book..wich i accepted with a heavy heart..=(im soory teacher..but i just got to sae this..im tankful for ure giudance..i apreciate ure teaching..ure the best!!!!
but i jst got to pour tis out k?
here goes nothing..haiz..='(
knowledge- rather weak theoretical at her level,seems to "forget" her theories(i agree but i learn frm the mistakes)
- requires alot of prmpting during questioning.has to put in lots of efforts to do pre-reading.(im not the only one..im soory but i know wat im doing its just tat long explanation i cant..in my own werds i cud try)
skills
- needs monitoring on aseptic technique
- tends to contaminate sterile filed,unsure with steps and requires prompting with steps ->counseled(i know i did wrng..i learned but wat abot wen i improved..u nvr mentioned any of it..)
- needs lots of practice in oreder tp perform the skills rit( i agree on tat one..)
- lacks communication skills whne performing skills for patients..(wat was tat suppose to mean..u tink i'll jst poke a neddle into sumone witot informing them..i tok to my patients okie?)
- needs to be more proactive in getting her skills assessed.(ok i was slower ten the rest..ive bucked up)
attitude
- chatty.street smart( i know i can talk street smart?oh god..)
- apparently behaves well only during the presence of lecturers/nurse clinician/manager(theres a saying tat goes..u got to dress to impress man..i behave like i always do..be it infront of them of my parents..)
- rather passive and laid back in learning needs..(u tink i dun chge n only act as though i was interested..if i was tt defient..i wudnt have gone n asked my seniors abot theories..)
- display strong body language.overconfident n aloof..(tis part broke my heart..wich part of overconfident was i?the o or the t?aloof?u mena im unfriendly?n think tat im more superior than others?god man..i love my frnds..i teart them like normal..i dun call them stupid or wat..god man..were equal people..cant u see tat?im so close to them y wud u think i dun cooperate of unfriendly to them be it my peers or my seniors???)
- tend to give inappropriate reasons /excuses for action when checked.counseled by sister RUBA!( IF TIS IS ABOT THE OTHER INCIDENT..I HAD EVIDENCE ..STRONG ONES!!IVE BEEN BLACK MARKED BY HER I KNOW IT!!!SAVE MY BREATH IN THE FRST PALCE..I WUDNT HAVE COME TO U TO TELL MY SIDE OF STORY..DUN HAVE TO LISTN TO MY SIDE OF STORY..I WASTED MY TEARS..DEFENDING MY SELF)
- Constant reminder on her uniform code;unkempt hair(fringe n ponytaill.)*i never keep my fringe hanging..never u can always see my forehead..n my pnoytail?its short..not in my wae wen doing my job..*short chain*the first dae wen i got to noe u were my lecturer in chrge.happned sooo long ago*big/colored ear studs..*as far as i knew i wore the blek small ones for centuries..i only wore them i nvr had other BIG ONES...*
- wiling to change wen corrected but forgettable..*i nvr wore ear studs animore..no fringe at all..no short chain..i scrubbed my hand like mad to get rid of tat color..i wan to have good grades*
tats the end of evirting ..i will accept it willingly,,i have to too..i just wanna graduate..i dun wanna fit..im justa student..wat rit have i to fit with my superiors???!!
hoepfully ill get better grade fr tis posting....i wished..i pray hard like hell!!!=)
nurul=)
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
8:59 PM
Sunday, February 11, 2007; THe Bad n THe GooD..
THe BaD...- slapped his face
- do not understnd him
- scolding him
- finding fault
- nvr give him chance to explain a mistake
- dun trust him
- always throwing tantrums
- talk back to him
- hate him
- nvr knew his real self
- always tinks im right n his wrong
- always find fault
- always gets in his way
- nvr let him contatc with other gals
- nvr let him send to much time with other friends
- nvr eali connect with him
- nvr make and effort to know him
- always makes him angry n sad
- always make him lose control
NRVER N ALWAYS..='(
THE gOOd..=)
- i love him
- i adore him
- i try to understnd
- i try to make him smile
- i try to make him hapy
- i try to help him with his probs
- i try to not scold him anohow
- i try to control my temper
- i try to endure my obsessions of he having affairs..
- i try to stop not trusting him
i tried b..i always did..
but now..
i dun tink watevr i sae is of us..u told me not to sae sorry cause my sorries are no use..u told me i was of no use..u told me to let u be alone..u told me not to understnd u..u told me to stop trying to make u feel better cause i nvr will..u told me tat my werds are of no use..u told me i nvr understood ure situation..u told me not to remind u of wat had happend..u told me i hutr u alot..u told me i made u cry..u told me i can nvr understnd u..utold me tat watevr i sae only comes from the mouth n not my heart..
u told me all..i noe..
i noe im useless..im of no use to u..evn though we have benn long..i nvr reali understood u..i noe..i noe it all..
nurul='(
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
3:11 PM
one slap was all it takes for my werl to come crushing down..nurul=(
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
1:13 PM
Tuesday, February 06, 2007; not good..='(
todae..fot with baby..i was so sad..damm sad..baby did sumting shocked me..sorry baby..i cudnt control it..i did one big mistake..ii slapped baby's face..hard..fuck!!cause he did sumting that pierced my heart..tats the only wae i cud wake him up..im so sorry syg...baby was sked wen i said i wanted to die..n leave him..haiyoo...now baby's hand sweeling..syg plese lah..dun do tat again can?i love u sweetheart..my angel..nurul=)
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
9:56 PM
Sunday, February 04, 2007; holla people..
I cry and I weep... Because of you...
11:24 AM